I have a pinterest board called “the ocean”. It’s not clever, it’s not meant to be, it’s literally just pictures of the ocean. Or oceans. Water, blue, white, sky, blue, white. Figures, anonymous, definite but indistinct. Living between the sky and the ocean. As I yearn to do.
Pictures like this one:
This one is also fairly typical:
One more for luck:
Are you getting the general idea? Like I say, they’re not particularly original – in fact my tastes evidently lean very heavily towards the romantic and mythologised when it comes to water – and they’re not my own work. But each one takes my breath away. Some people like cars, some people like cats (please!), some people completely lose it over a lovely room setting. I say screw rooms, we’re animals, we’re meant to be in the wild. (If you saw my house you might think I actually do live in the wild. I need a housekeeper.)
And yet – and yet! – I live in London. I spent a while in Hawaii with a good friend a few years back. I was in a very dark, unhappy place within myself and I suspect I wasn’t the best company. But besides all that, she would ask me if I wanted to go to the mountains, do I want to go on a hike, do I want to see sugar cane, pineapple plantations? No, why would I? You live LITERALLY ten paces from the Pacific Ocean. I want to be right here. Forever, preferably, if that could be arranged. I would find a place and sit on the sand with my elbows on my knees and my chin in my hands at around 10am. And a few minutes would go by and I would look at my watch and it was 3pm. I was mesmerised. I mean day after day it was all I would do, and all I wanted to do. (Don’t worry, my friends were at work, I’m not totally anti-social.)
It was so beautiful, and yet ask me why and I can’t tell you. It’s so fundamental and self-evident to me that I can’t break it down. It felt like the one time I could believe that the Earth is round, and it belonged to me. That kind of beauty, or rather the attempt to analyse it, can drive a person crazy. It’s like, this beauty can only be evidence of a God. And now that we have evidence, we have no need for faith – so in the face of certainty what is left for us but insanity?
I’m going to get back there. And live. I have a plan, perhaps as definite and indistinct as the figures in my photos, and I can’t share it with you because it is sacred. But I’m going to get back there.