On the point of giving up.

It’s my distinct impression that it’s not the done thing to be thoroughly negative about bikram unless you have a tidy little punchline to wrap it all up and affirm your choice to be a yogi. I’m not being snide, it’s how venting with humour works – it’s its function and its purpose. Whole careers are based on a clever turn of phrase and the ability to do that. That is not what this is.

In class this past fortnight I’ve been thinking very seriously about giving up. Throughout yesterday’s class I was just plain angry, I certainly wasn’t doing any yoga. There was some of it today, too, but mostly today I was wondering about why I was in class at all. I’m so sick of it – sick of working so hard and getting nowhere. Sick and tired and fed up that I can’t get my forehead to my knee; I can only reach my heels in floor bow half the time and I can’t do spine twist with my feet in the right place. Mostly I’m sick and tired of being convulsed by floods of tears every time I go into a forward bend. I’m all for confrontation and release but if there’s no resolution to it then why am I putting myself through it?

I’m basically angry and fed up and frustrated that my body isn’t changing fast enough and the yoga is pretty much only theoretical for most of the time.

I guess all I have going for me at the moment is that I’m really stubborn and I don’t actually plan on giving up. But if I had known it would be this miserable I wouldn’t have started. I’m sorry that this isn’t more upbeat but I promised myself when I started this blog that it would be brutally honest because anything else would be meaningless.

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3 responses

  1. Carol, maybe this is just a tough time in your practice. I just wrote a post on bikramyogamusings.com that started with the quote: “Don’t rush: what is really important always finds a way of revealing itself”~ Paulo Coelho Why is there are rush to touch your toes or have your body change? What about the positives outside of the physical – how has your mind changed? your eating habits? Yoga isn’t just about physical and asana, it’s a holistic health system that affects your approach to life. I say – take each day as it comes. Breathe, and practice with ease… but relaxing, you’ll probably see your foot over your head in Standing Bow more often than not. And, there’s nothing wrong with crying! I’m rooting for you in NYC – every time I head into the hot yoga room and try to touch my own forehead to my knees!

  2. and remember, you’re releasing years and years of emotions that your body has kept inside ~ don’t be afraid to cry. and don’t worry about your progress. it was prolly a year of daily practise before i could even bend forward to try and hold my foot in the first part of standing head to knee. yoga is like surfing, you’re not gonna be pulling backside airs your first time on a surf board, just go out, do the best you can and try and have some fun.

  3. Patience is one of the greatest lessons we can take from Bikram. Don’t compare yourself, you are you, you have the strength and courage to get yourself to class regularly – that in itself is huge … be grateful to your body. I touched my forehead to my knee yesterday for the first time in 18 months of regular 4x’s a week practice. When it takes time the appreciation for what you’ve achieved is wonderful. Keep at it and keep on posting … we’re all in this struggle together! X

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